I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
