Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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