cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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