please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
