I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize