he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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