I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
