you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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