...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
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