idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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