I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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