He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
