I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
