i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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