it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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