she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
where are you?
Hypothermia
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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