Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
We don't watch enough power rangers
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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