tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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