Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
