"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
