I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Randomize
