The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
