Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
