I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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