My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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