3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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