im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
