i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
