im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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