"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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