i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
