Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
it's like iHOP with fire
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
