I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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