I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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