Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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