It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
