Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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