If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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