He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
