So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
