Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i came on her dog
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
