ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
