i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
