Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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