My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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