I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
