he looks like a really good dad on facebook
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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