I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
