I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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