i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
