Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize
